1
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,674
[door opens]
2
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,217
Hey, guys.
3
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,385
Hey, Barbra Jean.
4
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,512
Okay. Here you go, Reba.
5
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,014
A little gift.
6
00:00:14,472 --> 00:00:16,599
Oh, lookee there.
7
00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,314
A dartboard.
8
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,447
Ha, ha, carrot top. [chuckles]
9
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:32,824
It's, uh,
10
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:35,201
it's just a little somethin'
for you to remember me by.
11
00:00:35,493 --> 00:00:36,536
Are we breaking up?
12
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,914
What did I do,
and why didn't I do it sooner?
13
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,669
Reba, we can't joke our way
out of this painful situation.
14
00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:47,756
Brock is selling our house
to pay the debt to the IRS.
15
00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,132
Why do you have to do that?
16
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:50,675
I thought you guys were
getting a second mortgage.
17
00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,051
Brock's credit is wrecked.
18
00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:55,263
He said the guy at the bank
actually taped our application
19
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,098
up in the coffee room, next to Dilbert.
20
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,269
Selling your house.
21
00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:02,437
I don't know what to say.
22
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,064
Wish there was something I could do.
23
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,065
There is.
24
00:01:05,273 --> 00:01:07,400
Should have stopped after,
"I don't know what to say."
25
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,404
Reba, buy our house and let us stay.
26
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,530
Please?
27
00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:14,115
Look, Barbra Jean,
I couldn't buy your house
28
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:16,076
even if there was
normal people livin' in it.
29
00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:19,120
Well, you know,
I figured it was worth a shot.
30
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:21,706
You could have told me
that Brock was a deadbeat
31
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:23,500
before I started sneaking around with him.
32
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,924
God, I hate seeing Barbra Jean sad.
33
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,593
It's like looking at a clown
without all her make-up on.
34
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:40,016
Yeah, it's sad.
I wish we could help, but we can't.
35
00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:40,934
Yes, we can.
36
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,727
I've got to quit saying that.
37
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,522
Look, Mrs. H.
38
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
When we flipped that house
on Filmore last month,
39
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:48,650
we made a little money.
40
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,069
But the big money
is owning a rental property.
41
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,863
It makes a little money during the month,
but it also appreciates.
42
00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:55,949
You gotta see the big picture.
43
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,659
Do you know why I keep saying no?
44
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,620
Because of this big picture.
45
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,163
All right.
46
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:06,042
Barbra Jean, Barbra Jean, Barbra Jean.
47
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,877
You're so sensitive about Barbra Jean.
48
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:09,129
What has she ever done to you?
49
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,385
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
50
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,095
she broke up your marriage
and stole your husband.
51
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,514
And, frankly, if you look at the guy
in the harsh light of day,
52
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,974
you'll see she did you a favor.
53
00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:24,936
Now, I got one word for ya:
54
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:25,937
Let it go.
55
00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:27,564
That's three words.
56
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,481
Not the way I say it.
57
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,358
Say it with me: Letitgo.
58
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,318
Come on.
59
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:33,695
We're talking about makin' money here.
60
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,739
Yeah, and I hate to bring human beings
in your whole big discussion about money,
61
00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,992
but, Mom, you could actually help them
keep their home.
62
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:39,909
Who?
63
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,077
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
64
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,831
Look, if you don't buy their house,
65
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,624
they're gonna have to leave the place
that they love.
66
00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,960
I mean, helping someone
keep their home is a huge deal.
67
00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:50,336
You know, I work with the homeless.
68
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,255
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We know, we know, we know. It's okay.
69
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,340
But she does make a good point.
70
00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:55,967
Okay, what are you all saying?
71
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,594
If I'm a good person, I'll do this?
72
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,554
Exactly, and that's what
we're trying to appeal to,
73
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:00,597
your good "personness."
74
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,682
You see, I got the head for business.
75
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,142
You got the body...
76
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,232
[theme song playing]
77
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,650
[Reba] Hey, hey.
78
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:15,737
{\an8}♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪
79
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:18,114
{\an8}♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪
80
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:22,452
♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪
81
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:25,038
{\an8}♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪
82
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,790
♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪
83
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,417
♪ With gentle hands ♪
84
00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:31,336
{\an8}♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪
85
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,967
{\an8}♪ I'm a survivor ♪
86
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,728
Hey, Mrs. H, the lease is all ready to go.
87
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,772
Oh, this is so exciting.
88
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,607
I love being a landlord.
89
00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:55,068
I love land,
90
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,361
and I love being a lord.
91
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:58,780
Hey.
92
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,114
{\an8}When they come in,
93
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,950
{\an8}can we make 'em bow down to us?
94
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,622
Van, this is not a game.
95
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:08,581
I was being serious.
96
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,582
Kiss the pinky!
97
00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:15,296
Look, I agreed to buy Brock
and Barbra Jean's house to help 'em out.
98
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:18,424
{\an8}But there's a reason why you don't
sell your car to a family member.
99
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,717
Or underwear.
100
00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,513
Barbra Jean said they were unisex.
101
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,514
Van!
102
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,734
{\an8}I am tryin' to explain to you
103
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:39,946
{\an8}why we need to keep
this arrangement strictly business.
104
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,824
{\an8}I wanna avoid any situation
which will make me mad
105
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,325
{\an8}and give me motive to kill.
106
00:04:44,325 --> 00:04:45,243
[Van grunts in agreement]
107
00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,454
There's my fairy godmother!
108
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:49,789
Oh, hey.
109
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,416
Can you turn my husband into a prince?
110
00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,088
{\an8}Nope, he's stuck as a toad.
111
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:01,759
{\an8}Very nice.
112
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,429
{\an8}Look, Barbra Jean
won't listen to me because...
113
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:05,972
{\an8}well, she's my wife.
114
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,432
{\an8}But I wanna go on record
115
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,434
{\an8}as saying that the two of you
buying my house
116
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,185
{\an8}is the worst idea that I've ever heard.
117
00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:12,979
{\an8}Okay, what he means is,
118
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,689
{\an8}thank you, thank you, thank you.
119
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,899
You don't have to thank us.
120
00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:18,860
Yeah, your deposit check
will take care of that.
121
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,194
Yeah. Yeah.
122
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,073
All you need to do is pay us
for the first and last month's rent,
123
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:25,366
after you sign the lease.
124
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:26,826
[chuckles] What?
125
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:27,994
A lease?
126
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,121
But we don't need a lease, Reba,
we're friends.
127
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,792
Okay, nothing about that statement
is correct.
128
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,589
That's because we're the landlords.
129
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,424
You're the lowly tenants.
130
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,009
But Mrs. H and I have agreed
131
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,178
that you don't have to bow
or kiss the pinky.
132
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,431
Okay.
133
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,475
Yeah, it's starting to sink in.
134
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:51,684
My ex-wife
135
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:52,977
owns my house.
136
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,146
Well, she got my first one,
137
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,814
might as well have the set.
138
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,612
- Reba, would this figure here be the rent?
- Yep.
139
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,614
[bleating]
140
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:05,990
Hey.
141
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,993
It's a lot less than anything else
that's going in the neighborhood.
142
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,663
I mean, golly, you didn't expect us
to let you live there for free, did ya?
143
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:13,831
No.
144
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:15,124
Maybe.
145
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,919
Would be nice. [chuckles]
146
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:21,172
Barbra Jean, this is a business deal,
and I wanna keep it that way.
147
00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:23,883
Okay. Fine.
148
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,468
If that's the way you want it.
149
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:26,928
Van, can I borrow a pen?
150
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,514
Sure, but you're gonna
need to put a deposit down on it.
151
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,143
I'm just kiddin'.
152
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:39,065
Man, this is how I always
dreamed my life would turn out.
153
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,109
Yeah, it's a real high point.
154
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:44,362
Hey, maybe tomorrow morning
I'll wake up in bed with my mom.
155
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:01,546
[gags]
156
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:03,464
[coughs]
157
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,135
[mouths] Sorry.
158
00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:12,807
Hard work being a landlord, huh?
159
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:17,186
I had no idea how demanding
tenants could be.
160
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:19,772
Barbra Jean's complaining
that her dishwasher's broken,
161
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,649
and expects me to pay to have it fixed.
162
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,734
I got one word for you, Barbra Jean:
163
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,069
Paperplates.
164
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:29,031
Van, that is two words.
165
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,408
Letitgo.
166
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:39,125
You know, you sound like
some sort of fat cat slumlord.
167
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,376
"Fat cat."
168
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,378
I like that.
169
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,256
I like cats, and I...
170
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:46,716
like fat.
171
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,677
Aah.
172
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:03,983
Van, we have to fix their dishwasher.
173
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,151
It's part of being a landlord.
174
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,403
No... it isn't, Mrs. H.
175
00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:09,697
Being a landlord
is soaking the tenants for every penny
176
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,824
so I can sit around, take naps and...
177
00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:14,577
go to the gym,
which I'm late for, by the way.
178
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:18,206
Van, you know, your new obsession
with money is very unattractive.
179
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,832
Oh, yeah? That might be.
180
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,168
But take a look at these hammies.
181
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:24,962
Hey, guys.
182
00:08:26,255 --> 00:08:27,298
Yeah, right.
183
00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:29,425
Wash a dish.
184
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,682
You know, you should go home,
185
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:39,018
take a sock and shove it down the toilet.
186
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,187
See if his "hammies" can fix that.
187
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,025
So, uh, Reba, listen.
188
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,944
Uh, Barbra Jean sent me over here to...
189
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,154
give you the security deposit.
190
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,614
Oh, great.
191
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,950
The way she was acting, I thought
I was gonna have a problem with that.
192
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,034
Yeah, well.
193
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,245
[straining] Here you go.
194
00:08:58,162 --> 00:08:59,247
[loud, jingling thud]
195
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:02,792
What's that?
196
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,502
That's the security deposit.
197
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:06,295
It's, uh, it's all in dimes.
198
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,713
She said you should count it.
199
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:12,552
That's insane.
200
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,054
I can't drag a bag of dimes to the bank.
201
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,639
They'll think I've robbed a fountain.
202
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:17,557
Oh.
203
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:20,059
Yeah, uh, listen, there's something else.
204
00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:22,603
Barbra Jean has decided
to fix up the house,
205
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,564
and, since you're the landlord, it's...
206
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,232
"On your dime."
207
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,776
She said I should make sure
and say it exactly like that.
208
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,861
Okay. All right.
209
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,614
I'm gonna go
take care of this insanity right now.
210
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:34,532
Yeah.
211
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:41,956
Barbra Jean?
212
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:42,957
Yeah.
213
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,500
- We need to talk.
- Oh.
214
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,544
Hey, Mrs. Roper. [clears throat]
215
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,424
- What are you doing?
- Redecorating.
216
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:53,175
Which color do you like
for the living room,
217
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,678
sand or Parisian ecru?
218
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,054
Which color were you sniffing
219
00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:59,056
when you decided
I was gonna paint your house?
220
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,437
Well, according
to the Tenants' Rights Hotline,
221
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:08,107
it is customary for the landlord
to repaint every two years.
222
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,526
We've only owned the property for a week.
223
00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:11,569
Yeah, well, it's not my fault
224
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,446
the previous owners
didn't keep the property up.
225
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:16,616
Why are you doing this?
226
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:17,742
Why am I doing what?
227
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,744
Why am I standing up for my rights?
228
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,413
Why am I not letting,
"the man" stick it to me?
229
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:26,584
I'm not "the man,"
and I'm not sticking it to you.
230
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,964
And there is no way that Van
and I are gonna pay for upgrades
231
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,216
like wallpaper and paint and...
232
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,510
Are you redoing the floor?
233
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:37,845
Yes.
234
00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:40,514
I am making a necessary repair.
235
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,059
There's a nick behind the couch.
236
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,610
So you have a nick?
237
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,904
And you want me
to replace the whole floor?
238
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,113
Yeah. It's a hazard.
239
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,782
Henry could snag a sock.
240
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:58,908
Anything could happen.
241
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,117
I mean, someone could die.
242
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,162
That's it, Barbra Jean!
243
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,830
No floor. No paint. No nothing.
244
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,791
And if you ever pay me
with a sack of dimes,
245
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,126
I will tie that to your feet
and throw you in the lake.
246
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:10,211
- Do you understand me?
- You better watch it,
247
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,629
- because I still got some dimes and I--
- [shouting indistinctly]
248
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,755
- Oh, God!
- [screams]
249
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,131
Ow, my ankle!
250
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,049
Oh, Barbra Jean.
251
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,217
Are you okay?
252
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:17,468
- Should I call a doctor?
- [whimpering]
253
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,053
[grunting] Yeah.
254
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,347
But first call a lawyer,
255
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,807
'cause I'm suing you.
256
00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:25,976
I'm so weak. [thudding]
257
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:41,867
Hey, when those whiny renters
get back from the hospital,
258
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,870
can you make sure and tell them that
I took care of their petty complaints?
259
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,080
And I did it myself.
260
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,706
And I saved a few bucks by doing it.
261
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:49,583
Licensed plumber, my butt.
262
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:53,003
[chuckles] Plumber butt.
263
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,923
"Just say no to crack."
264
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:05,307
Van, you don't know
anything about plumbing.
265
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,768
I don't know anything about gas, either,
but I fixed the furnace.
266
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,771
Those people are trouble.
267
00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:12,273
I say we evict 'em.
268
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,692
Van, that's my father
you're talking about.
269
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,236
It's all about the poor tenants, isn't it?
270
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,195
- Yeah.
- Right.
271
00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:23,117
Nobody ever thinks
about the fat cat landlord.
272
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:25,870
Do they?
273
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:30,249
I'm gonna go get a beer and some fudge.
274
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,005
[grunting, gasping]
275
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:38,716
Hello, Reba.
276
00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:40,509
I'm fine.
277
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,511
They may have to amputate.
278
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,808
But, you know, I can always
get a license plate that says, "STUMPY."
279
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,646
Barbra Jean, the doctor
said it was a sprain.
280
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:55,065
He said it was the kind of sprain
he saw all the time...
281
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,484
in 'Nam.
282
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,489
You know, Barbra Jean,
so Mom isn't the best landlord.
283
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,324
I mean, seriously,
if Van and I had to pay rent,
284
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,451
we would've moved out a long time ago.
285
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:08,913
- Thank you, honey.
- Uh-huh.
286
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:12,958
Look, Barbra Jean,
I know you came over here
287
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,877
to make me feel guilty, but I don't.
288
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,922
I'm sorry you're hurt,
but it wasn't my fault.
289
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:21,967
Well, it isn't up to me to determine
who is or isn't at fault, Reba.
290
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:23,928
That is for the judge to decide.
291
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:25,679
Here's your subpoena.
292
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:26,889
I brought it to you myself
293
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,558
because I just know
how much you love paperwork.
294
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:34,396
Oh, and while you're eating crow,
295
00:13:34,688 --> 00:13:36,315
try not to get any on that shirt,
296
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,442
because I plan to take it
right off your back.
297
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:41,654
[whispers] Good one!
298
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,661
And I got one word for you, Barbra Jean:
299
00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:50,120
Letitgo.
300
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,636
- Mrs. H, guess what.
- What?
301
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:08,514
I hired a private detective
to dig up dirt on Barbra Jean.
302
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:11,475
This baby is loaded
with character deformation.
303
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,103
You mean "defamation."
304
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,437
I mean both.
305
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:19,859
This lawsuit's ridiculous.
306
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,610
I mean, if she's gonna sue me
for hurting her,
307
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,320
I wish I could get one more crack at it.
308
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,407
Mrs. H, there's no way she's gonna win.
309
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,701
We have a secret weapon in the arsenal.
310
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,663
Do you know Barbra Jean
has been arrested for public indecency...
311
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:34,582
three times?
312
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,292
Ah-oh.
313
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:38,752
Oh, great.
314
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,629
Now you've ruined Oktoberfest for me.
315
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,508
Sorry, we're late.
316
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,385
We would've been here sooner,
317
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,598
except I can barely walk
on my nearly broken leg.
318
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:53,392
Well, if you're really suffering,
we could always put you down.
319
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:58,314
Makes fun of cripples.
Write that down.
320
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:03,360
Let's just stick to this case
for the time being, shall we?
321
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,281
Mrs. Hart, Barbra Jean's lawsuit
alleges that neglectful conduct
322
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,159
has led to the severe sprain of her ankle,
323
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,077
affected her time with her child
324
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:15,080
and led to the demise
of her wifely duties.
325
00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:16,582
What does that mean?
326
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:19,043
It means we're gonna be getting
a, "Thank You" letter from Brock.
327
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,755
It's time for my pain medication.
328
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:25,966
Why don't you write down that
I'm also now addicted to painkillers?
329
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,802
Not for the first time.
330
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,554
Right, Barbra Jean?
331
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,017
Are you Reba Hart's lawyer?
332
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,645
I'm Van Montgomery,
co-owner of the alleged property,
333
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:40,189
which we graciously allowed this
334
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,274
deadbeat renter to continue living in.
335
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,693
She would have been out on the street
if it weren't for us.
336
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:45,694
Not...
337
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,613
for the first time.
338
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:52,159
Right, Barbra Jean?
339
00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,626
You are not named
in the lawsuit, Mr. Montgomery.
340
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,962
Mrs. Hart is only suing Mrs. Hart.
341
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,214
What? That's not fair.
342
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,298
Life's not fair, Mrs. H.
343
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,299
You're on your own.
Bye, guys.
344
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,384
Van!
345
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,428
All right, let's get into this.
346
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,305
What is your full name?
347
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,015
Reba Nell Hart.
348
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:16,308
And what's your date of birth?
349
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,601
December the 12th.
350
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:18,560
19...
351
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,771
"19-none of your business."
Move on.
352
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:22,940
And, um,
353
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:26,151
what are your feelings
towards Barbra Jean?
354
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:27,569
What are my feelings?
355
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,697
What's that got to do with this case?
356
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:30,823
I have no idea.
357
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,491
Barbra Jean gave me
this list of questions.
358
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,243
Can't we use my questions now?
359
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,369
No.
360
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,788
Question 21. [grunts]
361
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:41,208
"Have you had it in for Barbra Jean
ever since she stole your husband,
362
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,585
so that when you saw the chance
to buy her house
363
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:45,212
and cause her financial ruin
364
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,214
and humiliation, you did it gleefully?"
365
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:48,257
What?
366
00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:50,342
No. That's a crazy question.
367
00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:51,760
It is not a crazy question.
368
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,429
Just like Question 43:
369
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,723
"Do you sit in your house, which you own,
370
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,058
and happily toast
your superiority with champagne
371
00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,394
that you bought with Barbra Jean's
rent money?"
372
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:01,937
Okay.
373
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,108
First of all, when I'm sitting alone
in my home thinking about you,
374
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,860
I'm drinkin' hard liquor!
375
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:08,777
Oh!
376
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:16,994
And second of all,
377
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:19,288
do you really think I could do that?
378
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,205
Yes.
379
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,458
Because the only reason
you bought our house
380
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,460
was to humiliate and punish me.
381
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,462
You asked me to buy it.
382
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,379
Is that true?
383
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,214
- Yeah.
- You didn't tell me that.
384
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,134
Well, maybe I should just take
the bar exam for you, too, cowboy, huh?
385
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,177
How 'bout that?
386
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:36,680
Yeah.
387
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,475
I asked you, Reba,
because we needed your help.
388
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:43,854
But you, you just saw it as a chance
to swoop in like a vulture
389
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:47,191
and feast on the dead carcass
of our financial ruin.
390
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:50,694
I have no interest
in feasting on your carcass.
391
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,781
You made me sign a lease.
392
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:56,992
Do you have any idea
how that made me feel?
393
00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:58,994
Sheltered? Safe?
394
00:17:58,994 --> 00:17:59,953
Terrible.
395
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,040
Like I was just a, a rent check...
396
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:04,666
a dollar sign,
397
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:09,463
instead of the woman who stole your
husband and became your best friend.
398
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,842
Barbra Jean, take my word for it.
399
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,178
My feelings for you have not changed.
400
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:19,973
- Really?
- Yes!
401
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,559
I bought the house so you wouldn't be
thrown out on the street.
402
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,353
And I made you sign a lease
403
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,480
so there would be no misunderstandings
404
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,148
to get into the way of our--
405
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,650
- Love for each other?
- Whatever.
406
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:35,155
So, so you really felt bad for us?
407
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:38,283
How could I not feel bad for you?
408
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,953
I mean, you're in such a, a financial hole
409
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,122
that you might never, ever get out of it.
410
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,626
As much as I'd like to revel in that,
I hate to see you suffer like this.
411
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:49,670
Really?
412
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,756
So when I hurt...
413
00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:54,925
you hurt?
414
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:02,141
If you don't move your hand,
you're gonna hurt.
415
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,561
Oh, Reba, I can't sue you.
416
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,479
I'm dropping the lawsuit.
417
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:08,814
Oh, Reba,
418
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,983
you are a dear, sweet woman.
419
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,192
- Oh, whatever.
- And you know what?
420
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,902
I'm just, I'm just so happy that
421
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:16,196
I could dance in the streets naked.
422
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,783
Not for the first time.
423
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:21,451
Right, Barbra Jean?
424
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,303
How did you get that?
425
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:40,512
Oh, God.
426
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:41,805
I thought I burned them.
427
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:42,848
Oh, God.
428
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:46,226
Oh, God!
429
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,319
Van. Van. Please, Van.
430
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,486
- Where'd you get--
- [groaning]
431
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:57,404
Oh, God.
432
00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:00,574
I was so young, Van, really.
433
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:01,909
Oh, God!
434
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,754
Hey.
435
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,464
Wait a minute.
436
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,008
Now I remember you!
437
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,276
[closing theme music playing]
438
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:06,265
{\an8}Acme! [coughing]